A Long-Winded Eulogy to Everything UPS Lost

For those of you who have been lucky enough to avoid my rants lately, UPS managed to lose a lot of my belongings somewhere between San Francisco and DC. At the suggestion of my roommate, I will be calling UPS daily to let them know this is unacceptable, but in the meantime, I need to properly mourn my loses. So here is my eulogy to all the crap- I mean treasures- I lost thanks to UPS.

To my guitar, George. So, I never learned how to properly play you. Or tune you for that matter. Everything I tried to play on you sounded merely like painful cacophony, but let's keep it real- I loved you. I don't know where you are, but who else will love you like I did? Talking to you daily, apologizing for not playing you? No one, that's who.

My dear, dear brand new tennis racket. You and I never actually made it to the court. In fact, truth be told, I don't even know how to play tennis. But you were next on my list of things to do- after learning the guitar and running another marathon. I'm sorry we never got to know each other. I hope someone out there is putting you to great use.

While we're on the topic of brand new, unused possessions... I'm sorry, rice cooker, that we will never come together to make awesome steamed rice or Columbian rice (as Sebass & Lisa taught me). I appreciate that my perfect friend Caroline was trying to look out for me in my post-Caroline cooking days, but now I will never know what it's like to make fresh rice in my very own rice cooker. I even bought this HUGE bag of jasmin rice in anticipation of your arrival. Now, it may never see the shiny top of my brand new plates (brand new b/c UPS broke my first set... see a pattern?)

Leaving the new, unused portion of my eulogy... I'd like to say a very sentimental good-bye to all my evening gowns. To my beautiful crimson dress I wore as maid of honor at my best friends wedding- thank you for making me a lucky woman that night. My awesomely pink prom dress that miraculously still fits- I felt like such a princess in that dress. And what girl doesn't want to feel like a princess every now and then? Honorable mentions go to my long, silver gown, my red dress that got me through many date parties, and my Hawaiian luau dress that I don't even know why I've kept for this many years.

I'd also like to thank UPS for losing all my winter clothes. I might need those living in DC. My new tall boots, my long black coat, all of my neck-warming scarfs, and my paperboy hat that I debated for two months whether or not I could pull it off. Thank you for depriving me of my right to warmth, UPS.

While we're on the subject, I'd also like to say a brief word or two about my lost camera. I'd like to blame this one on UPS, but unfortunately, I lost it somewhere between Cal beating Oregon and me taking pictures with an inflatable Spider Man at a local bar. Thank you for all the good times, Camera. Without you, I would have little to no recollection of what I did the night before. I would not have the large repertoire of pictures I do with which to bribe all my friends with one day. And without you, my friends and I wouldn't be able to figure out if that guy from the bar really was cute, or if we had just had one too many. I will miss you terribly, but I promise to replace you with another version of yourself. And soon. Because as I mentioned, how else would I remember last nights debauchery?

Though torn apart by my recent losses, I will mourn privately and move forward. In the words of Robert Frost, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

RIP guitar/dresses/coats/scarfs/belts/camera, etc.