On Being Mexican

I've always struggled with the concept of being Mexican. What makes a person a particular nationality? Is it birth? Location? How well you can cook the food? Perhaps it's how well you relate to the culture. I've never been really sure.

People always ask me where I'm from. I know what they mean. But I don't play along. "I'm from California." No, they say, I mean, originally. I still try to play dumb sometimes. Depending on whether or not I want to explain myself to some stranger who clearly doesn't know me all that well.

What it truly bears down to, is that I don't know how to explain myself. Let's get the technical issues out of the way. I was born in Mexico and lived there until I was 6. Both of my real parents are Mexican. My first language is spanish and I have an affinity for all Mexican food.

But my spanish has since become mediocre and I haven't been back to Mexico since I left. No one in California ever spoke spanish to me, somehow not quite picking up on the fact that I am, indeed, Mexican.

And then oddly enough, I moved to DC and everything changed. I live in a very latino neighborhood and no one speaks english. So even though I try to ask for directions in English, no one understands. I always get in broken english, "you speaka espanish?" I want to respond by saying I speak some imitation of, but instead I say "si" and then floods of information come from the stranger.

I tried explaining to one guy that I've lost a lot of my spanish, but want to get it back. And he said, in spanish, that he doesn't understand because he's trying to lose his spanish. He badly wants to learn how to speak english, so he can finally get by in this country, but everything seems to work against him. He even tried to get an education by enrolling and completing a certificate program only to find that he couldn't get his certificate because he couldn't show proof of residency. I.e. he's an illegal immigrant. So while I'm on my journey to explain myself, he's on his to try to redefine himself.

When I was younger I wanted nothing to do with Mexico. I thought I was the only one, but I had dinner w/ a few people one night, all of us being immigrants, and they all shared how each of them tried to reject their culture and become 'American'. Only they found their way back a lot sooner than I did, or more appropriately, they reconciled their new found American self with their native background. It wasn't until the last few years that I've started to do the same.
I've learned to appreciate who I am, but I still know little about where I come from. In January I will finally visit my home and reacquaint myself with the culture I once rejected. My family continues to warn me, telling me how different it is and how shocked I'll be by some things. But I see this as both an adventure and an opportunity to grow. I look forward to being shocked by everything I see, at least I'm finally experiencing it all. And perhaps I'll walk away from this trip being able to finally explain myself to myself.